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Diamonds & Coal: March 8

A diamond to Mike McCormick, assistant vice president for planning, design and construction, who said, “It’s not how long the walk is, but it’s how long the walk feels.” That’s our motto at the gym.

Coal to New York University professor Paul Glimcher, who compared the process by which monkeys rank rewards to the process by which students choose their favorite candy bars. Brown students are more evolved than primates, despite what the number of broken exit signs in Keeney Quadrangle may suggest.

A diamond to Provost Mark Schlissel P’15, who said, “There’s nothing more important in life than feeling like your kids are well-cared for, comfortable and safe.” Which is why the administration is going to bubble-wrap all the first-years.

Cubic zirconia to the president of Brown for Financial Aid, who said, “Obviously no one should discount the fact that we have a smaller endowment.” Is that on your IvyDate profile? Maybe that’s why you’re not getting any matches.

A diamond to the Advisory Committee on Corporate Responsibility in Investment Policies, which will likely push for the University to divest from coal. Because giving the committee a coal just seems wrong.

Coal to the student who said she likes how she bumps into professors on the way to the bathroom in the new Medical Education Building. If you need help on a problem set, you’ll probably get a less distracted response if you just go to office hours.

Cubic zirconia to the student who said, “I’m a girl, I have hair, I have a mouth, I have a nose, I’m not a monster and I’m Palestinian.” Who took your eyes?!?!?

Coal to Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron, who said the decision to assign ‘Beautiful Souls’ as the summer reading for the class of 2017 was not influenced by author Eyal Press ’92 status as an undergraduate alum. She did not, however, mention the possible influence of Jesse McCartney’s golden locks.

A diamond to Senior Lecturer of Neuroscience John Stein PHD’95, P’13, who told students tasting miracle berries to resist “the temptation to swallow the juice.” That’s what we tell our drunk friends when they get too close to our fish tank.

One million diamonds to the creator of a Yoga and Mindfulness wellness program, who said, “Doing it alone can be frustrating or confusing or hard to sustain,” but peer support helps everyone achieve success. Yes, yes — oh yes it does.